CCSF Newsletter January/February 2023

I sincerely believe that there is nothing truly great in any man or woman except their character, their willingness to move beyond the realm of self and into a greater realm of selflessness. Giving back is the ultimate talent in life. That is the greatest trophy on my mantel.
Ozzie Smith, former professional baseball player

Dear Friends,

Ain’t love grand? The month of February is awash with thoughts of love– chocolates, flowers, special dinners, and for singles who can have a lot of fun as well. It’s a great time to think about loving relationships! We at CCSF are all about being aware of your relationships, keeping them safe and balanced, with one eye on future safety and happiness. With that said, read the SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING article for some tools for healthy relationships.

This month’s e-newsletter includes:

Things You Can’t Afford to Spend Your Energy On

Book Review: The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

Another New Phrase: Insult Collecting

See Something, Say Something

A change in subject line only

January is Stalking Awareness Month

Stop the Abuse, Heal the Family, Change the Future

Email: ccsf.hope@gmail.com

Website: https://www.ccsfhope.org

Twitter: @CCSFDV

Things You Can’t Afford to Spend Your Energy On

From #nedranuggets, Northwest Family Life, Facebook, 12/11/22

proving a point to someone who is committed to their own agenda
changing who you are to fit everything that others want
letting yourself go to gain relationships with others
making people believe you or see your way of thinking
convincing people to change when they have clearly stated they aren’t interested in changing
figuring out why someone doesn’t understand you when you’ve been clear

Book Review: The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

By Heidi H.

Full review available on our website

(Summary) There is a much less obvious type of narcissism, covert passive-aggressive narcissism. Author Debbie Mirza tells us exactly how victimization from this type of narcissism unfolds.

Many adults are unequipped for real love, or healthy work relationships or friendships, making this book all the more valuable. Mirza believes that survivors can heal and a good portion of this book is dedicated to healing as well. The author offers additional resources at the end of the book. A wide range of people would benefit from this book.

While much of its content is geared towards narcissists’ targets, this book is a great way to learn how NOT to be used by them. It helps readers discern when they’re being played and why they might be susceptible to it. All in all, this is a great read, another weapon in an advocate’s arsenal against the dangerous abusers among us.

Another New Phrase: Insult Collecting

By Lani K.

According to Miss Manners, Insult Collecting is searching for insults where obviously none were intended. Her article was not related to domestic violence, but I think most of us can relate it to a power and control or coercive control kind of relationship we’ve had.

Miss Manners goes on to say that “some people are quite skilled at turning the most innocuous remarks into a grievance. Censoring yourself, i.e., what you say to that person, will not help. The merest pleasantry can be taken for sarcasm.”

Miss Manners suggestion (an example of how to handle this) was not clearly understandable to me. But, in my opinion, one will not win with any war of words. Disengaging the conversation is the best short-term action. Figuring out your boundary with that person is the best long-term action.

See Something, Say Something

By Carol L. and KW

When you have friends or family members who are edgy, irritable, or just plain behaving different than usual, it is easy to let it go, hoping they will ‘work it out’ without your input. However, if you know they are in a new relationship, it may be time to ask some questions.

Some things to look for in new relationships for yourself and those you care about are changes of personality, stalking or jealous anger, pressure to commit or moving too fast, sudden negative attitudes towards the family, lifestyle differences (partying all night, hanging out with people who are different from usual friends) and keeping secrets. There are many other red flags to watch for. Look up abusive relationships on the web.

One of the suggestions you can offer is the idea of couple’s counseling. This seems safest for your relationship with the person because the hope is that the neutral therapist is more experienced than you are and can speak into the issue. However, from a therapist’s viewpoint, counseling for couples is not recommended when there is an imbalance of power in the relationship. There is a caution when one partner becomes vulnerable, and the other is taking advantage of this vulnerability.

Here are some thoughts/questions to say when you see rough relational waters ahead for those you care about:

You seem down, and I was wondering if there is something we can talk about.
How are you feeling about the person, (let’s say Fred)?
Did you get to choose the movie/show/activity that you went to with Fred?
Has Fred met your family?
What does Fred think of your family/friends?

A more pointed statement of concern would be:

I am concerned for you
Do you think Fred is different from your usual choice of boyfriends/friends?
When Fred does (or says) that, do you feel uncomfortable?
That would make me wonder about Fred.

There are many things to talk about and ask questions about when you see that friends or family members are unaware of high conflict relationships and how they can ruin their future lives. It is a good statement: WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.

A change in subject line only

Starting with this month’s e-newsletter, we are labeling our e-newsletters for the month ahead, instead of the current month the e-news letter is received. The reason is because the e-news goes out late in the month and usually contains information for the upcoming month.

The e-newsletter going out this month will be the February e-news. E-newsletters will continue to go out monthly. For this month only, we will refer to the e-news as the January/February e-news. For next month, the e-news, going out the end of February, will be the March e-news.

January is Stalking Awareness Month

January 2023 marks the nineteenth annual National Stalking Awareness Month (NSAM), an annual call to action to recognize and respond to the serious crime of stalking. To honor NSAM 2023, the Stalking Prevention, Awareness, & Resource Center (SPARC) encourages you to Teach, Learn, Share, and Reflect on these resources.