50 Reasons Women Don’t Leave Abusive Partners, plus many more
From the Christian Coalition for Safe Families April 2019 newsletter
We might find ourselves thinking, “well, why doesn’t she leave?” (Statistically women are more often the abused partner. The following therefore uses “women/she” for the abused partner. Please remember, however, that men can be the abused partner. The reasons apply in those cases as well.)
1. Fear
2. Children
3. Lack of money
4. She loves her partner
5. Her partner “loves” her
6. The children love them both
7. Law enforcement blame her
8. Clergy blame her
9. Relatives blame her
10. She blames herself
11. Therapists blame her
12. Her batterer blames her
13. She’s a drug addict
14. Her partner is a pimp
15. Her father abused her
16. Her mother abused her
17. Her partner is an alcoholic
18. Her partner is a drug addict
19. Her partner says, “I’m sorry”
20. Her partner says, “I love you”
21. Her partner says, “I’ll never do it again”
22. Her partner says, “I’ll take the children”
23. Her partner says, “I’ll kill you if you leave”
24. Her partner says, “I’ll kill myself if you leave”
25. Fear of losing custody of her children
26. She’s deaf
27. She’s blind
28. She’s mentally impaired
29. She can’t read
30. She’s in a wheelchair
31. She can’t speak English
32. She doesn’t have papers to be in this country; (she thinks she will be deported)
33. The shelters are full
34. She’ll become homeless
35. No one believes she is being abused
36. She doesn’t think she is being abused
37. She thinks the welfare system will abuse her
38. She’s isolated
39. She’s depressed
40. It’s not the right time
41. She’s never told anyone
42. She’s afraid of the unknown
43. She’s a public figure
44. Her partner is a public figure
45. Her partner threatens to abuse their pets
46. Her partner is her personal care attendant
47. Her partner threatens to expose her as a lesbian
48. She feels that there is no help
49. She’s tried to leave before
50. Her partner found her before
Courtesy of Community Anti-Violence Alliance, Inc., PO Box 482, Angola, IN 46703 CAVAlliance@aol.com, 260-624-3600
More reasons:
1. She thinks she doesn’t deserve anything better
2. She believes it’s a sin to leave her marriage
3. “God hates divorce”
4. She needs to suffer like Jesus suffered
5. Once she “figures it out” and “gets it right” he will treat her better
6. God is trying to teach her a lesson or get her attention
7. He keeps his gun out where she can see it (the risk of homicide increases by 500% in a DV situation when there is a gun)
8. She has a child with a significant disability
9. She’s also taking care of an elderly parent
10. She doesn’t want to alienate the kids
11. She doesn’t have a car
12. She doesn’t have money of her own or access to the family bank accounts
13. Her name is not on the title to the house or cars; if she leaves, she will have nothing
14. She remembers all the good times
15. Social embarrassment, shame, humiliation
16. The kids would lose their friends
17. Maybe she can tough it out until the kids are older
18. Shelters for women and children don’t take teenage boys
19. Shelters/friends/family won’t take her pet
20. Can’t take the time off work to seek help or counseling
21. Is afraid of the police (many in the African-American community do not trust law enforcement & the justice system)
22. Has called the police before and they did not help her
23. Agency workers, postal workers and court staff have access to personal information. In the wrong hands the information can be used against the woman, or at the least, used to track her down.
24. Taxi drivers can stalk a woman while appearing to be working
25. She is a victim defendant
26. Injury or death increases 75% when a woman leaves an abusive relationship
There are many reasons a woman may have for not leaving an abusive relationship. Each reason is a long, sad story. We need to be sensitive to the reasons and not make cavalier declarations that “she should just leave.” Most of the time it’s not that easy. As well, the better question should be, “what can we do to help?”
© Christian Coalition for Safe Families and ccsfhope.org, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Christian Coalition for Safe Families and ccsfhope.org with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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